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I Love My Brother Today

i have been staring at a white screen and a cursor for quite some time now.

trying to form cohesive thoughts and sentences

but i give up. i can’t explain what has happened.

it’s so difficult for me to write about this. maybe it isn’t time, yet.

On Mother’s Day, my little brother Connor, went home. He used his final breath to tell us that he loved us and then he closed his eyes and …. went home.

i find myself saying, over and over again, that i am no stranger to heartache. i know what it’s like to be heartbroken. and with as much as i had tried to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the end of this long journey, i was amazed by how WRONG i was about my expectations.   this is the single most difficult and traumatizing event that has ever happened in my life. I have lost people close to me, and i have lost close friends of mine. but never, in a million years would i believe you if you were to tell me that i would some day watch my little brother leave this world at such a young age.

most of you reading this blog will know that he had battled with Cancer for a little over two years. he was fearless and brave and courageous and focused during this time in his life. he wasn’t limited to or BY cancer…. so i’ll stop talking about it now. i won’t even give cancer the time of day. nope. not me. and certainly not him.

i miss him though. terribly. and i know i always will.

Connor….. i am so glad that i got to tell you how proud i was of you. that i was able to tell you that i loved you on a daily basis.  that i got to spend so much time with you as a child, a teen, and an adult. i’m glad that you are my little brother. i’m proud to be known as “Connor’s Sister”…. i’m better because of the legacy you have. but more importantly…. you have strengthened me. comforted me. enlightened me. made me laugh. made my day worthwhile. made my life make sense.  you are beyond amazing. beyond remarkable. BEYOND exceptional.   you are one in a million…. and i’m so glad the scales tipped in our favor and God granted your life and time on earth to us.

moreover, i’m thankful for the recent events that have allowed you to see just how many people you  have influenced, inspired, and motivated. it was so wonderful to see everyone come together to honor your life and passion for life and the game. It was so great to see so many people rally around you and for you to grant you happiness and laughter the way you so effortlessly did for us… even granting you your very own wish.

oh little brother, i miss you every second of every day. every second of every day!!! and my heart just aches to see you again.

we will anxiously await the day that we are called home to be with you. you were “created for a place you had never known” and i’m glad you’re finally home

and even though we are here without you… we know that we will Never Walk Alone. and that you are so happy to be there waiting for us. and you know what, little brother….?

we love you. we love you. we love you, too!

FallFoliage022 copy

we were told that approximately 650 people attended Connor’s funeral!!!

i know he’s laughing about that. because he can probably name about twenty people and then start smiling his big white smile and then say “i dunno…. i don’t know very many people”

my parents and i are unable to know who all had attended, yet we are thankful for every single person that filled a seat the day of his service. we are thankful for the memories you shared with us. we are thankful for the time you spent with us in the hospital. for the generosity bestowed upon us. for the prayers. thoughts. tissues. we are thankful for the silent comfort. for the arms that always wrapped around our shoulders and hearts. we are eternally thankful for each phone call and card.

but more importanly, we are glad that you were able to share in his life. in his story.  we are in awe of each of you. and we find much comfort in the love you had for connor.

be blessed

siggy

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May. 23. 2011 - 9:20 am

Ginger - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Before today I only knew you through your photography but now I feel I know you through common loss. I lost my brother almost 11 years ago. The circumstances were different but the pain sounds the same. My brother was also a wonderful person and he and my family are all Christians. In the days following my brother’s death we were overwhelmed by the gifts of mercy and peace that God sent our way. It did not take away the pain but God comforted us by showing how He used him in life and in death. What a joy to know our brothers are being comforted in the very arms of God himself!!!

I can tell you from my experience that you never quit missing them. I still miss my brother like crazy. But his death transformed me into a completely different person. I have more love and compassion for others, both from my brother’s situation and from the grieving end. God has used my brother’s death to open doors for me to minister and witness to people. I pray that same gift for you and your family. Praying that God will comfort you and use you. I am thankful that God can continue using people even after they have reached their final reward to effect change on earth.

I will be praying for you and your family during this difficult season.

May. 23. 2011 - 10:48 am

Tina Rodriguez - I, too, was very sad to hear about Conner passing away even thought I didn’t know him personally just thru you and my good friend Elisa F. I’m so glad our paths crossed and I can feel your heart aching thru your words. As a Mother, I couldn’t imagine having to go thru something like this, but everyone says “time heals all”… Just know that you and your family will someday see him again and know that he is without pain, can rest easy, and look upon you and your family and smile knowing how much he was loved. As always, you are always in my prayers.

May. 23. 2011 - 11:07 am

sarah - beautifully written chriselda. i’ve been keeping you + your family in my prayers. xx

May. 23. 2011 - 11:30 am

Bethany Fields - I am so sorry Chriselda. I have no words that will fix anything, or take away your sadness. I just know that as lucky as Conner was, he was as lucky to have *you.* My daddy is in heaven and there is not a day that goes by that he doesn’t fill my thoughts. We will see them both again!!!!

May. 23. 2011 - 3:26 pm

Dora Delgado - When you were little I carried you everywhere… I only wanted happiness for you. I loved your big cheesy smile. I did not want anyone to hurt you. I wish I could “carry” you again. I still want happiness for you my dear cousin. I know I one day I will see your cheesy smile… but in time. Feel the sun warm your face and know it is Connor sending you a kiss from heaven. Feel the wind brush your hair along your cheek and know it is Connor touching you from heaven. All is well he is saying. All is well. I love you my Chriselda!!

May. 23. 2011 - 10:25 pm

Patrice - Chriselda, it was such a blessing to know Connor. His easy smile and appreciation for everyone around him. His amazing faith. His love of soccer. His love of life. His love of family. His general concern for others even during these last 2+ years. It has also become a blessing to get to know you. Your strength amazes me. And your sense of humor. I love to be around you and your family. I love all of you!

May. 23. 2011 - 10:55 pm

jessi s - chriselda. my heart has been aching for you and your family since the moment i found out you lost your little brother connor. (i use the term lost, but you haven’t really lost anything. you know as well as i do that connor is in a better place and he is looking down on you guys and all of us.) i knew you would write a post about it, but it would take some time. what i didn’t know was how beautifully written it would be. you always amaze me with how you craft such beautiful stories with your words. you speak of how blessed you were to have connor in your lives (which is absolutely 110% true), but he was also blessed with you and an amazing family. i know he was just as proud to call you sister as you were to call him your brother. thank you for sharing connor’s story and for sharing your love for him with all of us. we are all blessed by your words. blessed to know you my dear! praying for you and yours.

May. 24. 2011 - 9:18 am

Stacy Cross - There are no words . . . so I’ll just sit here with my heart aching for you and your family. So sorry. Praying and sending my love.

May. 24. 2011 - 9:20 am

Kristi S - Oh Chriselda, my heart is broken for you and I am bawling right now for your loss. Connor was too young, too great of a person to have suffered the way he did. I know nothing I can say will ease the pain but I will be praying for your strength to get through this. Big hugs to you honey
xoxoxoxox

June. 10. 2011 - 11:04 am

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